450 Rules of Royals Baseball!

I'm going to start a string of posts called the "450 rules of Royals baseball", where I identify every rule that must exist within the realm of Kansas City Royals baseball. Keep in mind these "amendments" (shall we call them) did not exist before the strike of 1994. Ever since the strike, the baseball Gods placed 450 rules for each and every Major League franchise, including our beloved own. If one of these rules are ever broken, the universe will collapse upon itself and we will proceed to enter the twilight zone.

In no particular order, here are a few of the rules of Kansas City Royals baseball.

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Rule #108: Every offseason, the Royals must proceed to select the only three worst players throughout baseball - the only players who can run slower, throw weaker, and cover less ground than your own grandmother. They must then name those three players the Opening Day pitcher, the starting shortstop, and the backup catcher. (Rule #108b: This rule does not apply to pitchers whose first name begins with the letter "G" and last name begins with the letter "M").

Rule #312: Every owner not named Kauffman is the physical manifestation of Satan himself. No exceptions.

Rule #78: Beware of the lefthanded opposing pitcher. For he, like Kujo, sees Royals batters as a delicious T-bone and nothing else.

Rule #227: Beware of pinstripes.

Rule #65: At least one Royals fringe player every season must be catastrophically bad, only to join another team by mid-season and dominate completely.

Rule #113: The manager must have his head placed square within the realm of his own anus....at all times.

Rule #218: All players must worship Steve Balboni as the home run God. If anyone even so much as attempts to break his home run record, that player shall be tarred and feathered and demonized for all eternity.

Rule #333: All Royals fans must be reminded, at least once a month, of the feeling the Kung-Fu expert in Dumb & Dumber received, when Jim Carrey reached in his chest, yanked out his heart, and gently and appropriately placed it in a brown paper sack, and kindly gave it back to the man.

Rule #45: Speed is a necessity. We need lots and lots of speed. (exception: years ending in an odd-number where Democrats are the majority in Congress).

Rule #394: At least one winning season will be achieved every decade. When the fans are pie-in-the-sky optimistic, that winning season must be immediately followed by another decade of losing.

Rule #154: At least one power-outage every season. (Literally.. ...and figuratively )

Rule #285: We need a good "heavy duty" guy to be friends with. Every year, there must be one in the clubhouse. *Exception*: Catchers do not have to be friends with this guy.

Rule #19: Light-hitting Dominican middle infielders are a must. Need! More! Light! Hitting! Dominican! Middle infielders!

Rule #306: Beware of the Rookie of the Year curse.

***Rule #105: (Bonus: Universal Rule!) Never mention a no hitter or perfect game, or that no-hitter or perfect game will be jinxed after the sixth inning.

^^^Rule #59: (Bonus: Another universal rule!) All luck and karma evens out.

***In the Royals case, it will be jinxed by the second inning.

^^^Except for the team closest to the "Gateway to Hell" at Stull, Kansas. Whichever team that may be.



And here are a few more:




Rule #90: All Royals must have their equal dosage of awesome-ness through such great names as Gwynn, Giambi, and Guerrero. However, that "awesomeness" must come in the form of their slightly less spectacular younger brother.

Rule #263: Second basemen must bat second at all times.

Rule #405: The question of "Shall Emil Brown stay or go" must be posed every month. Emil Brown must be eliminated through a majority vote......a "unanimous" majority vote. 100%. Thanks to that Emil Brown fan from the northland, this never happens. Ironically, it was that man who was declared clinically insane about one week ago.

Rule #64: The concepts of "beautiful ballpark" and "successful ballclub" are not mutually exclusive in Kansas City.

Rule #216: For Las Vegas casino betters: When in doubt, bet on Kansas City. Know that Angel Berroa told you to do it.

Tu es 'pwned

Anyone remember the final scene of the '80s teen comedy Ferris Bueller's Day Off? You know, the scene where Mr. Rooney is trudging along the sidewalks and walks onto the school bus? Remember that song?

Now, think of Zack Greinke.

Sept. 20 vs. CHW:

8.0 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 0 R, 0 BB, 10 K, 105 NP

Boom boom boom.

Bawwwwwm boom bom...

(Complete Silence)

Chick......

Chicka-chickaaahhhh!!!!

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Justin Huber

Some Justin Huber Sightings!














Evidence of Justin Huber's penmanship, as seen above.
















Justin Huber, seen in his natural habitat, roaming the rugged mountains of Nepal.




















Justin Huber, seen at a lake near his home in Canada, only comes out once every three years, during mating season. (Howdy, mate!)















See that face peering at the woman on the top left side? Rumor is that's a small Justin Huber, circa 1987.












A search party unites deep in the Brazilian jungle and attempts to capture a glimpse of the ubiquitous Justin Huber.




Where in the world is Justin Huber?



You decide, my friend. You decide.

K.C. Royals: Underachievers?

I thought everyone might be interested in delving into a little Pythagorean W-L/Expected W-L discussion, and maybe answer this trivia question along the way.

Who has been the "unluckiest" team in baseball, in terms of run differential? Hint: It's not the Yankees, who underperformed their run differential until July, when they started winning five out of every seven games.

Give up?

It's the Kansas City Royals - whose "Expected W-L" now stands at 69-76. That's a far cry from their 63-82 mark of September 14. Since there are 17 games remaining, we would have to finish about 13-4 or 14-3 just to reach our "expected" record.

Compare our record with that of the Arizona Diamondbacks, who have been outscored this season 666 to 643 (a differential of 23). Their "Expected W-L" is nearly identical to ours....71-76.

The Chicago White Sox currently sit 1.5 games behind the Royals, yet their "Expected" record is the worst in baseball, 58-88. The Cardinals, who long overperformed their X W-L, are now starting to fall back to earth, after losing seven in a row.

I understand we have blown out our opponents on several occasions this year, and the D-Backs have been annihilated on a few occasions, but how can one explain this "unluckiness"? Or is "luck" even involved? It's not as if offense or pitching in blowouts can be negated, right?

If it isn't luck, who is to blame? However, if it is luck, that only means one thing. We're bound for some positive karma in 2008!

Jack
http://royalsnation.proboards62.com/

2007 Season Evaluations, Part Three

1B/DH - Mike Sweeney
C-
Season Statistics: .263/.320/.419, 7 HR, 35 RBI, 236 AB, 66 G
Strengths: Our captain still has what it takes to be a productive Major League player in some respect.
Weaknesses: Plenty. Inability to stay healthy, lack of defensive versatility (mixed with declining range and athleticism). He's not the power threat he was during his prime.
'08 Status: I've written plenty about Mike Sweeney during his albatross 5-year contract, but Sweeney could be retained in 2008 for a near or at league-minimum salary, likely (of course) with incentives. Sweeney could still provide a decent platoon bat off the bench, but a team simply cannot count on him as an everyday option, as he's physically ill-equipped to handle an entire season playing baseball. His OPS, as of September 13, is roughly .740 and rising, which is adequate. If he is retained and used a similar role next season as he is this season, I fail to see how our ballclub will improve. Barring a torrid late September, the Royals are probably best off not re-signing Sweeney. If he is brought back, it must be in a limited role. Our new manager likely will refuse to use him in that role, come May.

2B - Mark Grudzielanek
A-
Season Statistics: .300/.345/.424, 5 HR, 46 RBI, 103 G, 410 AB
Strengths: Grudzie had a strong year in 2007 as our "everyday" second baseman. He's valuable at that position both offensively and defensively.
Weaknesses: If one wants to nitpick, one could say a lack of speed and lack of patience at the plate/getting on base. Also, 2008 will be his age 38 season.
'08 Status: Grudz has signed an extension through 2008 to likely be our everyday second baseman. He will have to work himself out of the role. If he does, Esteban German is his most likely replacement. Through roughly Sept. 1, Grudz had the highest VORP among any Royals regulars. Retaining him was a good idea. We're a better team with him AND German as a utilityman.

2B - Esteban German
B+
Season Statistics: .267/.360/.375, 3 HR, 34 RBI, 111 G, 315 AB
Strengths: German provides an excellent utility bat off the bench, and in limited duty at second base, third base, and occasionally in the outfield. Every team needs a super-sub like German. His almost uncanny ability to get on base (notice the near-100 pt. spread between BA and OBP in 2007) keeps him a solid Major League threat.
Weaknesses: As a result of his inability to play any position particularly adequately, the organization simply does not view the OBP-king German as an everyday player. He only slugged .375 and hit 13 doubles in 315 AB's, so the fact that he's not a power threat either may factor into the decision.
'08 Status: German is arbitration eligible for the first time, and will likely return to the 2008 Royals next year in a similar role to 2007.

IF Jason Smith
C-
Season Statistics: .198/.242/.353, 5 HR, 15 RBI, 116 AB
Strengths: Ability to play four infield positions adequately. There's supposedly some power there, although he has yet to show that consistently in 2007, other than hitting the 5 HR's.
Weaknesses: Many. Absolutely no patience at the plate, the fact that he's 30, and a Buddy Bell man-crush earned him more playing time than he was worth in '07.
'08 Status: He replaced Fernando Cortez mid-season as the official "25th man", and that's likely what he'll be for the next couple seasons. The Royals will be smart not to bring him back in '08.