Sunday, September 23, 2007

450 Rules of Royals Baseball!

I'm going to start a string of posts called the "450 rules of Royals baseball", where I identify every rule that must exist within the realm of Kansas City Royals baseball. Keep in mind these "amendments" (shall we call them) did not exist before the strike of 1994. Ever since the strike, the baseball Gods placed 450 rules for each and every Major League franchise, including our beloved own. If one of these rules are ever broken, the universe will collapse upon itself and we will proceed to enter the twilight zone.

In no particular order, here are a few of the rules of Kansas City Royals baseball.


Rule #108: Every offseason, the Royals must proceed to select the only three worst players throughout baseball - the only players who can run slower, throw weaker, and cover less ground than your own grandmother. They must then name those three players the Opening Day pitcher, the starting shortstop, and the backup catcher. (Rule #108b: This rule does not apply to pitchers whose first name begins with the letter "G" and last name begins with the letter "M").

Rule #312: Every owner not named Kauffman is the physical manifestation of Satan himself. No exceptions.

Rule #78: Beware of the lefthanded opposing pitcher. For he, like Kujo, sees Royals batters as a delicious T-bone and nothing else.

Rule #227: Beware of pinstripes.

Rule #65: At least one Royals fringe player every season must be catastrophically bad, only to join another team by mid-season and dominate completely.

Rule #113: The manager must have his head placed square within the realm of his own all times.

Rule #218: All players must worship Steve Balboni as the home run God. If anyone even so much as attempts to break his home run record, that player shall be tarred and feathered and demonized for all eternity.

Rule #333: All Royals fans must be reminded, at least once a month, of the feeling the Kung-Fu expert in Dumb & Dumber received, when Jim Carrey reached in his chest, yanked out his heart, and gently and appropriately placed it in a brown paper sack, and kindly gave it back to the man.

Rule #45: Speed is a necessity. We need lots and lots of speed. (exception: years ending in an odd-number where Democrats are the majority in Congress).

Rule #394: At least one winning season will be achieved every decade. When the fans are pie-in-the-sky optimistic, that winning season must be immediately followed by another decade of losing.

Rule #154: At least one power-outage every season. (Literally.. ...and figuratively :))

Rule #285: We need a good "heavy duty" guy to be friends with. Every year, there must be one in the clubhouse. *Exception*: Catchers do not have to be friends with this guy.

Rule #19: Light-hitting Dominican middle infielders are a must. Need! More! Light! Hitting! Dominican! Middle infielders!

Rule #306: Beware of the Rookie of the Year curse.

***Rule #105: (Bonus: Universal Rule!) Never mention a no hitter or perfect game, or that no-hitter or perfect game will be jinxed after the sixth inning.

^^^Rule #59: (Bonus: Another universal rule!) All luck and karma evens out.

***In the Royals case, it will be jinxed by the second inning.

^^^Except for the team closest to the "Gateway to Hell" at Stull, Kansas. Whichever team that may be.

And here are a few more:

Rule #90: All Royals must have their equal dosage of awesome-ness through such great names as Gwynn, Giambi, and Guerrero. However, that "awesomeness" must come in the form of their slightly less spectacular younger brother.

Rule #263: Second basemen must bat second at all times.

Rule #405: The question of "Shall Emil Brown stay or go" must be posed every month. Emil Brown must be eliminated through a majority vote......a "unanimous" majority vote. 100%. Thanks to that Emil Brown fan from the northland, this never happens. Ironically, it was that man who was declared clinically insane about one week ago.

Rule #64: The concepts of "beautiful ballpark" and "successful ballclub" are not mutually exclusive in Kansas City.

Rule #216: For Las Vegas casino betters: When in doubt, bet on Kansas City. Know that Angel Berroa told you to do it.

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